This Is Not Love – It’s Trauma Bonding
Today’s topic: this is not love, but much more likely trauma bonding.
I have gathered many points that, if you recognize them in your relationship, suggest it is more about trauma bonding than real love.
The other person appears very charming and appealing on the outside.
One of the hardest things to recognize is that you have entered a trauma bond, because toxic relationships are extremely attractive and positive at the beginning.
Toxic partners are often described as initially being extremely kind, charming, captivating, showering you with extraordinary attention.
This intense, positive beginning leads you to bond deeply with them.
Only later, when the abuse begins, does it become clear that the initial kindness was actually a tool to create a deeper attachment in you.
Now, whether this process is conscious or unconscious is partly dependent on the personality disorder involved.
If we consider a personality disorder like narcissistic personality disorder, it still cannot be categorically stated that these manipulations are entirely deliberate.
Opinions vary on how much awareness is involved.
I am certain that most narcissists are not fully conscious of what they are doing either.
However, the well-known love bombing is much more conscious and targeted in the case of a psychopath.
Regardless of whether it is conscious or not, the end result is the same:
trauma bonding develops, and because of the massive positive surge you experience at the beginning, it becomes very difficult to recognize that the relationship is already toxic.
So what you can observe is that the initial phase is dreamlike.
It feels like you’ve found your other half.
You feel like your prince charming has finally arrived for you.
But then the abuse starts.
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This Is the Emotionally Unpredictable Behavior
In a relationship involving trauma bonding, you can observe that the partner’s behavior is very changeable, emotionally unpredictable.
In such relationships, emotional abuse, criticism, and devaluation often alternate with sudden excessive kindness, apologies, promises:
“Everything will be different now, I know I did something stupid, I promise you I will change.”
This relationship features alternating negative and positive reinforcement – also known as intermittent reinforcement.
This can create trauma bonding because it keeps you in a state of constant uncertainty, always hoping that the positive periods will return.
And in fact, they do return in such a relationship – because the whole thing is a rollercoaster: positive-negative-positive-negative.
The positive periods come back, and you hope that when you are at the peak, it will become permanent, and the negative cycles will end.
But they won’t.
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He Takes Out All His Problems on You
In trauma bonding, the abuser regularly projects their emotional or life-management problems and conflicts onto you.
So: everything is your fault.
You are responsible for everything.
If they receive bad news, if they encounter difficulties, or any kind of frustration – they take it out on you.
As if you were to blame for everything.
They take no responsibility for anything – they always blame external factors, in this case, the people closest to them.
In other words: you become a psychological punching bag.
You are hit with all the negative emotions that are brewing inside them.
And the problem with this is that over time – if you cannot set proper boundaries because your self-esteem is low, etc. – you may get used to it.
You might even start to see it as completely natural, even though it causes deep damage inside you.
One of the signs of trauma bonding is that you no longer realistically perceive what is happening.
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Isolation Is Very Common
One of the most typical signs of trauma bonding is isolation – when the abuser starts distancing you from your family, friends, or any important people in your life.
Many initially even find this flattering:
“Oh, they love me so much, they just want me all to themselves.”
But in the long run, this is extremely dangerous, because you lose the supportive connections that could help you recognize toxic behavior patterns.
The abuser knows: if there are people around you who could open your eyes to the reality of the situation, they must be removed.
This way, you are left alone in your reality – without external confirmation – and from then on, the abuser shapes your perception of reality as it suits them.
Since they have cut off outside feedback, their control over you becomes even stronger.
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You Deny or Minimize the Abuser’s Behavior
Many say that this is one of the easiest signs to recognize – and it’s true, but only on the surface.
When you are trauma bonded to someone, you start to deny your partner’s abusive, toxic behavior.
Even if you recognize that they are treating you badly, you unconsciously try to minimize its significance.
Thoughts like these are common:
“Oh, it’s not such a big deal.”
“It doesn’t bother me that much.”
You do this because it’s much easier to deny reality than to face the painful truth:
that the person you love is actually hurting you.
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You Constantly Make Excuses for Your Abuser
When you can no longer deny the problems – because they have become too obvious – you start making excuses for your partner’s behavior.
If someone tries to warn you – maybe a friend, a new acquaintance who hasn’t been pushed away yet – that “the way they treat you isn’t normal,” you automatically start defending your abuser.
In more severe cases, you even start believing thoughts like:
“I must have provoked them.”
“They acted this way because I deserved it.”
And this is a very strong sign that you are not in a healthy relationship but are stuck in trauma bonding.
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You Become Increasingly Emotionally Numb
If you notice that you no longer feel joy or sadness…
if you find yourself emotionally distancing from yourself and from others – this can also be a sign of trauma bonding.
Emotional numbness is a defense mechanism your mind creates to protect you from further pain caused by the abuser.
As a result, you become less energetic, you communicate less, you withdraw from the joyful moments of life.
After a while: apathy.
You feel nothing.
This “emotional grayness” is a kind of survival state.
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You Hide the Problems in Your Relationship From Others
One of the most important signs of trauma bonding is that you start hiding what is really happening in your relationship from others.
You feel ashamed that others might realize the abuse – so you keep silent.
Often, you also defend your partner because you feel loyalty toward them, even if they hurt you.
However, this secrecy makes it harder for you to receive outside help.
You distance yourself from those who could help you recognize the truth or support you in leaving the relationship.
This deepens your isolation and dependency even further.
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Constant Fear of Losing the Relationship
One of the most characteristic companions of trauma bonding: you constantly fear losing the other person – even if they are clearly abusive.
This deep anxiety often stems from the fact that the abuser has convinced you:
“no one else will love you,”
“you won’t find anyone else,”
“only they can tolerate you.”
This emotional terror causes immense trauma, and the fear of loss often becomes much stronger than the realization of how much pain and harm you have already suffered.
This fear is what keeps you trapped in the relationship.
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Taking Excessive Responsibility for Fixing the Relationship
This also often occurs in trauma bonding:
the abused partner takes all the responsibility for keeping the relationship alive.
They believe that if they are even kinder, more understanding, more patient, then finally the relationship will become loving and stable.
But sadly, this is not true.
If you are truly dealing with a toxic partner, the root of the problem is not in you.
No matter how much you try to change yourself, give more, love more, meet their needs even more – it won’t work, because in an abusive dynamic, you are not the source of the problem.
These efforts not only fail but deepen your dependency and trauma bond even further.
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Gradual Breakdown of Your Sense of Self-Worth
During trauma bonding, your self-esteem gradually deteriorates.
You start to believe that you are unlovable, not good enough, not competent.
This happens because the abuser regularly criticizes, devalues, and humiliates you – and you slowly internalize these negative messages.
That’s how the mind works: what you hear often enough, you eventually believe.
This creates a constant inner insecurity in you, further binding you to the abuser.
Your attachment is no longer based on love, but on deep insecurity.
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Emotional Exhaustion
If you constantly feel tired, drained, and unmotivated – this is also a clear sign of trauma bonding.
A toxic relationship consumes enormous energy:
the endless drama, conflicts, and emotional hypervigilance wear down your body too.
You can never truly relax; you are constantly “walking on eggshells.”
This chronic stress and tension over time not only harm your soul but also your body.
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Your Body Is Signaling
Those living in trauma bonding often experience psychosomatic symptoms:
headaches, stomach problems, sleep disturbances, fatigue, chest tightness, panic symptoms – all are cries for help from your body.
Your body is trying to signal:
“Pay attention to me, something is very wrong!”
Your conscious mind may still deny the severity of the problem,
but your body cannot lie.
It honestly shows what is happening inside.
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The Unrealistic Overvaluation of Good Moments
During trauma bonding, it’s typical to unrealistically overvalue the positive moments in the relationship.
A few kind words, a small gesture, a caring moment – and you instantly give these tremendous significance, enough to overshadow and make you forget all the previous abuse and pain.
This happens because, deep down, you desperately cling to these small good experiences.
Even if they are short, rare, and you know that 90% of the relationship is pain – the remaining 10% is enough to keep you hoping, clinging, and returning over and over again.
The more desperately you cling to these fragmented good experiences, the deeper and stronger your trauma bond becomes.
And the harder it will be to escape from this toxic dynamic.
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If several of these points feel familiar to you from your own relationship, it is very likely that what you are experiencing is not real love but trauma bonding.
Real love does not hurt.
Real love does not manipulate, does not control, does not humiliate.
And most importantly: it does not strip you away from yourself.
Many people confuse deep emotions with love.
They believe that intense pain, the huge emotional rollercoaster, and suffering-filled attachment are all signs of passion.
But this is not a sign of love.
It is a sign of trauma bonding.
Therefore, if you recognized yourself in these patterns, take that first step for yourself that you have been postponing.
Seek help, turn to a professional.
You are not alone.
Healing is possible, and you are capable of living in a healthy, loving relationship – but first, you must begin the work with yourself.
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Thank you for reading.
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