When the Narcissist Also Suffers in the Relationship – The Schizoid Cerebral Narcissist
Today’s topic: what happens when the narcissist suffers too. Why does a narcissist stay trapped in their own toxic games? Why does a narcissist remain in a toxic relationship where they don’t feel good—even when their partner cheats on them, resists their control, talks back, argues—yet they still stay?
We’re going to talk about schizoid cerebral narcissists, and first, let’s start with a brief overview of this very specific subtype.
The main traits of a schizoid cerebral narcissist include emotional isolation and intellectual dominance. This type focuses on their intellectual abilities rather than their physical or social appeal—unlike the classic grandiose narcissist or the somatic type, who base everything on their appearance.
Schizoid traits are also present: they are emotionally completely isolated, very cold, and avoid intimate, close human connections. A schizoid can be described as a lone wolf. Even if they do have some form of relationship—which is very rare—it’s extremely difficult for them to function in deeper emotional connections.
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Another typical characteristic is asexual tendencies and sexual passivity.
For a schizoid cerebral narcissist, sexuality is not attractive at all. They have little to no genuine need for it—in many cases, sex is simply a tool to attract someone, but in the long term, they become completely passive in this area.
And now comes a very important feature that helps us better understand why someone like this remains in a toxic relationship: deep self-hatred and self-punishment. These individuals are profoundly wounded inside. They feel intense self-hatred, shame, and guilt, and because of this, they are willing to endure situations that other types of narcissists would never tolerate—such as infidelity or various humiliating situations.
So while it may seem that they are controlling and manipulating, in reality, they are often in a passive, vulnerable position, enduring humiliating relationships. They experience these relationships as unconscious, traumatic re-enactments. We could say this subtype is simultaneously the creator and the victim of their own hell.
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Although it’s true for most narcissists that they re-enact their childhood traumas—especially injuries related to the mother figure—the schizoid cerebral type experiences this even more deeply and passively.
They tolerate things that a classic grandiose narcissist would immediately reject. But let’s look now at how a schizoid cerebral narcissist can experience a toxic relationship that they themselves have created.
First, there is constant tension and anxiety. It’s typical for all narcissists to live with ongoing anxiety, a permanent inner sense of threat that they might lose their partner. It’s generally true that narcissists experience intense abandonment fears—while they manipulate and control their partners, inside they are gripped by fear that one day their partner will leave them or replace them with someone else.
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Another point is self-hatred and inner conflict.
On a deeper level, every narcissist carries a strong internal conflict, which stems from the gap between the ideal self and the real self. Unconsciously, they are aware that they are causing harm, and because of this, feelings of guilt and shame can arise.
As a result, a schizoid cerebral narcissist often chooses a partner who places them in humiliating situations. Situations where they can repeatedly experience their own worthlessness, shame, and victimhood.
The next point makes it even clearer why this type specifically selects certain kinds of partners: addiction to pain and traumatic reenactment. Narcissistic relationships are often traumatic reenactments. The narcissist—especially this subtype—unconsciously chooses a partner who helps them relive their childhood traumas.
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Childhood traumas often connect to a “psychologically dead” mother figure—someone who was emotionally unavailable, unpredictable, and cold.
This is why the schizoid cerebral narcissist seeks partners who evoke similar feelings. This relationship brings them deep pain and simultaneously attracts them because their unresolved early wounds are brought to the surface again and again through it.
According to Vaknin, this is precisely why they often prefer partners with borderline, histrionic, or narcissistic personality traits. These partners can fill the role that allows the narcissist to reenact their old traumas and reinforce their core belief:
“Everyone betrays me. The whole world is unreliable.”
Let’s not forget that deep down, narcissists also harbor self-hatred. And this paradoxical feeling—the inner worthlessness hidden beneath the grandiose facade—is why they continually seek out situations where they can experience pain. This pain serves as a form of self-punishment: deep inside, they believe they don’t deserve happiness.
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This mechanism is particularly typical of schizoid cerebral narcissists, who completely suppress their emotions and either almost entirely repress their sexuality or express it through hidden sadistic fantasies—such as through pornography, abstinence, or fetishistic behaviors. These don’t appear openly but rather in intellectualized or suppressed forms, isolating them even further.
Because of this, it’s common that they unconsciously attract partners who are emotionally unstable—often with borderline, histrionic, or other narcissistic character traits—because these dynamics allow them to relive what they experienced in childhood: rejection, coldness, emotional unavailability.
And this is where the vicious cycle kicks in: the relationship gradually becomes toxic, but it couldn’t happen if there wasn’t a partner willing to play along. A healthy, self-confident, self-loving person would exit this dynamic at the very first manipulation.
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Thus, the narcissist needs a partner who can be part of this toxic game.
The best “partners-in-crime” are typically chosen from Cluster B personality types: borderline, histrionic, and sometimes other narcissistic characters. Especially when we’re talking about a male schizoid cerebral narcissist, he tends to prefer these types of female partners.
Eventually, classic narcissistic behaviors appear in the relationship: manipulation, control, emotional distance. This elicits a reaction from the partner—they, too, start playing games. They begin to criticize the narcissist, show jealousy, neglect, or even cheat, thus becoming part of the toxic cycle themselves.
And this dynamic is destructive for both sides: a toxic, tension-filled relationship emerges where every step further reinforces the narcissist’s damaged self-image and pushes the partner deeper into emotional exhaustion.
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The narcissist is unable to take responsibility for their own behavior, so they constantly project their own faults, weaknesses, and negative emotions onto their partner. Thus, the partner becomes the “bad object”—someone the narcissist can rightfully blame for everything that goes wrong. This further strengthens their victim position: “I’m just suffering, everyone mistreats me, I’m the one who’s misunderstood.”
While on the outside it may seem that the narcissist is confident and in control, internally they constantly experience deep shame, worthlessness, and self-hatred. They feel they are not good enough, not important to anyone, not lovable—and the partner’s behavior repeatedly confirms this feeling. The sexual life also becomes part of this dynamic: the narcissist completely withdraws, becomes rejecting, and the relationship turns cold, sexless, and distant.
This causes the partner to become even more emotionally alienated and frustrated, leading to further conflicts and often infidelities. And although the relationship is painful, the narcissist still stays—because total abandonment, ultimate loss, and “emotional annihilation” would be much more unbearable for them than ongoing toxic suffering.
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The schizoid cerebral narcissist thus unconsciously chooses a partner who helps maintain this painful but “familiar” emotional cycle.
This type does not feel safe in intimacy or love but rather in control, distance, and self-punitive dynamics. Paradoxically, this provides them with a form of stability—a stability that does not mean happiness but survival.
Thus, the relationship becomes an illusion: an illusion that they are not completely alone, that something still binds someone to them, and that meanwhile, this someone “rightfully” hurts them—because, deep down, they believe they deserve it. Therefore, maintaining the relationship also becomes a form of self-punishment.
This self-destructive dynamic is rarely observed with such depth in a classic narcissist, as their self-defense mechanisms activate much earlier: a grandiose narcissist would leave a relationship much sooner if it undermined their perfect self-image. In contrast, the schizoid cerebral narcissist—whose entire life revolves around withdrawal, reliving pain, and hidden shame—can stay in such a toxic dynamic for much longer.
And all of this not only destroys the partner but also damages the narcissist themselves. The relationship doesn’t just destroy—but paradoxically, it also “keeps them alive”—in their own personal hell.
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Thank you for reading.
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